Courtesy of Donna Hale
As swim parents, we all know that the relationship between your child and their coach is special. As your swimmer gets older and begins to think about their future in this sport, this is especially true. There will be ups and downs along the way. But, the dynamic between athlete and coach is powerful. It is likely your swimmer spends more one on one time with the coach than any other adult. Their coach is not just a coach. They are a role model, mentor, and sometimes a confidante. Our role as parents in this swimming journey might sometimes conflict with a coaches goals. But in the end, parents and the coach are working towards same outcome: helping kids succeed in the pool but most of all in life. So coaches, here’s an open letter of things we want you to know but may never express.
Dear Coach,
We appreciate you. Your job is not an easy one. Swimmers of varying levels with varying strengths and weaknesses are thrown together every day. You have to deal with our kids on good days, bad days and everything in between. Life is messy. Just remember, most of them, especially at the higher levels, make enormous personal sacrifice to be swimmers: lost sleep, missed social events, and sometimes limits on other activities they can pursue. Even when you want to throw a kick board at their head, just remember that they are making a commitment few teenagers would ever consider. Go ahead and throw the kick board but with a smile. We appreciate you.
Be candid but kind. Honesty is imperative. Obviously, in order to get better swimmers need feedback. Every coach has their own style and parents need to think about that when choosing a child’s coach. We know you walk a fine line between nurturing and occasionally reading them the riot act. We do the same thing at home. We are both preparing them to be on their own – whether they swim in college or not.
They look up to you. We know you have many kids who count on you. Please choose your words wisely. Make your decisions wisely too. I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen swimmers crying on deck. And sometimes it’s the older ones. As much as you can, please help them gain perspective. Swimming is a terrific sport. But it is not their life’s work for most. Failure is a powerful teaching tool. While it is every coaches’ dream to coach the next Olympian, most of you are working with ordinary kids but this means so much to them. What you are helping them navigate — the good and bad of life — matters just as much as taking 20 kids to Junior Nationals. In an age where the race to be the best is everywhere, sometimes we need to stop. Success has many faces. The time on the score board is one. But sportsmanship, perseverance, team connections, — they matter too. Sometimes the swimmer that is having the greatest impact in your group may not be the fastest.
Most of all, we are all humans doing the best we can spinning through this crazy universe. Give us the benefit of the doubt and we will try hard to return the favor. No one is perfect. I have made more mistakes than I can remember. We all do. It’s how we learn. Swimmers watch us. It is far better to ask a question than complain to 20 other people about a decision we don’t understand. Appreciate the parents who have the integrity to talk to you and not about you. I can tell you these parents are rare.
Most of all, your athletes are watching. You can inspire. You can also crush. The impact is more profound than you know. Appreciate the commitment kids are making. Support them through bad races, injury, and even bad practices. They are still just kids. Figure out what’s in their hearts. Respect their passion. Embrace your swimmers dreams. And we will try to thank you every chance we can.
Donna Hale has been a swim mom for 12 years as well as executive of several nonprofit organizations. She volunteers regularly for her daughter Hannah’s USA Team The Potomac Marlins, summer team Burke Station Destroyers, and Lake Braddock Swim and Dive Bruins.
Very well written and thought out, I plan to share this with my coaches. Honestly I would say this was written with the top 30% of athletes in mind and when coaches start to truly understand that many of their athlete’s will never be college swimmers, but begin to understand that many athletes cross our paths to be apart of something that they enjoy and can learn to work hard at despite their lack of athletic ability. Sometimes it’s not just about swimming!
Push them, yes, but do not make them cry. That kind of coach is no fun to swim for. If the line is crossed by accident, be an adult, set a good example and apologize. Swimmers will respect a coach more if a mistake is admitted and an apology offered.