Thanks to Howie Chang for submitting this piece. In the midst of our ongoing series on mental health in swimming, Howie’s reflections offer swimmers, coaches, and swimming fans a very honest look at an issue that is finally being talked about openly and addressed within the realm of athletics.
Other installments of our mental health series can be found here:
- Mental Health Matters, Even For Tough As Nails Swimmers
- A Q&A With An Athletic Departments Mental Health Counselor
- A Silent Struggle – One of Many
- You Are Not Alone
- Four Strategies To Improve Self Talk
First off, Thank you Michael Lennon and Kristen Nunnelly for sharing their stories. It is true; reading about other swimmers’ stories gave me the courage to share mine. I encourage others to take the time to ready these stories and understand the pain and emotions we all went through.
My battle with depression wasn’t publicized. I kept it to myself for a few months before opening up to my family and friends. It may be foolish of me, but I was ashamed of feeling depressed all the time. Like everyone else, we all have battles we fight everyday. I came into my sophomore year of college at the University of California, San Diego, on a mission to qualify for NCAA after an injury stricken freshman year. During my freshman year, I tore my rotator cuff and needed surgery for two inguinal hernias. I rehabbed my injuries over the summer and found the extra motivation to continue to push and prove myself going into my second season. As my second season started, everything went according to plan. I was throwing down times in practice I have never hit before, I was maxing out impressive weights, and most importantly, I was actually having fun. Until one morning in November, my left shoulder gave out and my world crumpled to pieces.
I went from making 200s on 2:00 SC to pulling on the lane line with my right arm to the wall. My left shoulder burned with pain; I couldn’t move it at all. At that moment I knew, I knew it was worse than last time. My coach let me out of practice early and wanted me to try again in the afternoon. But I already knew that wasn’t going to be an afternoon practice for me. And that first thought of negativity would be the first of many to come.
Due to my inability to take a stroke, I was still determined as that extra drive of motivation I had from the beginning of the season was still there. My coach and I came up with a training plan that I will run campus loop, which was 5 miles, Monday and Thursday and go on the stationary bike Tuesday and Friday and a kick set for each afternoon. However, the loneliness cast a shadow over me. Day after day, I dreaded waking up for practice. I went from actually running the 5 miles to just running for a few minutes and just wait for time to pass and come back. I hated biking at the pool gym and watching everyone swim. Swimming went from a passion to a dreaded chore. It was just something I had to do, while at the same time, quitting seemed to be the better option, but I wasn’t going to take the easy way out. Although the more I thought about it, the more it felt like quitting was the better option. Additionally, I just felt betrayed by the world. Why am I the one injured when I’m the one that really wants to swim while there are others who are health, but hated every moment in the pool. That question plagued my mind, and it will continue to linger and expand for months to come.
Because I felt so betrayed by the world, I lost interest in everything. I stopped caring about school; hence, my grades started dropping. I ignored my friends who tried to reach out. Instead, I spent many hours in my room wallowing in self-pity. I would just sit in bed staring at the ceiling thinking that if I don’t get out of bad, nothing bad will happen. After a few weeks, I got my MRI results back and turns out I also tore my labrum and had to decide between surgery or physical therapy. At the same time, my team travelled to LA for our big fall meet to which I came separately on my own to cheer them on. Though I was full of smiles and cheers, every time I see my teammates swim, I was filled with anger. The smiles were just a mask I put on to hide my rage. That rage only added to my emotions and just like that, I completely lost it. I had to leave the pool facility and broke down in my car. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet and I certainly was not going to break down in front of the team. After the meet, I called in “sick” for a few practices because I just didn’t want to be there. I received a D on a paper and didn’t care. And above all, I lost my appetite. Everything I’ve worked so hard for were just thrown away.
They say when you are depressed, your mind just goes in circles and circles trying to make sense of everything. And that only digs a deeper hole for you to get out. Since I lost my appetite, I was getting weaker, which was making it difficult to workout or focus on school. And since I stopped caring anyways, I was slowly digging a deeper grave.
One day I woke up with a headache, which is probably from barely eating anything the day before. That headache was the reason why I decided to call my mom and tell her everything. It has already been a month of feeling depressed. Like all moms, my mom’s voice was genuinely sweet and I could feel her hugging me through the phone. Although I broke down on the phone with my mom, it felt good talking to her. After feeling how good it was just finally tell someone my condition, I gathered my close friends together and told them as well. I had my support system and now it’s time to make a change. I decided I need professional help and set an appointment with our sports psychologist.
After a series of questions, my doctor diagnosed me with depression and created a plan for me to follow to get better. However, the news of actually hearing that I’m depressed, actually made me more depressed. But I made the commitment to get better and followed her plan day by day. I was slowly improving; my appetite gradually came back. Finals week was approaching and I made the effort to try and pass my classes. However, I still could not shake away the question of why I am the one injured when I’m the one that really wants to swim while others are healthy and unmotivated to swim. Then one day, I realized that there doesn’t need to be an answer. I refused to believe that that was the case before, but now I understand. Life doesn’t need to make sense and you just need to deal with the cards given. I eventually found my motivation again. I felt more like myself day after day; I worked hard in physical therapy so I can recover as soon as possible. Although my shoulder wasn’t fully recovered, I was able to compete at our conference meet and managed to equate my best times. Given everything I went through, I felt victorious with my results.
What I wanted to share most isn’t how I got depressed, but rather what I’ve learned and how depression has made me the person I am today a year later. It’s ok to fall. In fact, we should all fall because that’s how we learn to get back up. Sometimes we may fall too hard and need a helping hand to get up and there’s no shame in that. A big part of depression to me is that I think a lot of people are ashamed of being depressed like I was. Since my depression, I’ve tackled all my obstacles head on, unafraid of failure. In fact, I welcome failure. I made my first NCAA appearance this year and hit more best times than my first two years of college combined. No matter how bad things may be, it will always get better. It takes time and also self-effort for improvement. The world isn’t out to get you, but it’ll just seem that way. You can only focus on what you can control and learn to deal with things you cannot control. Even though my sophomore year of college has been the hardest year of my life so far, I am thankful for it as I am having one of my best years so far. For those like me who became depressed due to an injury, know that it is not the end of the world, it is only the beginning of another chapter.
The light will never depart.
Even in the darkest night,
The Stars will always shine.
The light waits for you to open your eyes.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I do not accually go to UCSD but I have a friend that swims with you. I am a student athlete at Seattle U and have battled depression and anxiety over the last school year and it is conferring to read that someone else is successfully overcoming it. I too have had many of the same quetions as you. Why is this happening to me? And I also have realized that I don’t need to know why but instead how can it over come this.