Things My Coach Said That Still Make No Sense

Without naming names, I grew up outside of Philadelphia, PA and went to a prestigious private school, and then moved to Jacksonville, Florida and attended another respected private school. Sometimes, even the most genius swimming minds can make you say hmmm.

1. If you can’t breathe and have to cough, go underwater and do it, and stay under until you can breathe.

2. Coach: Schwartz, why were you late?

Me: Because my ride drove slowly and had to stop for coffee

Coach: That’s ridiculous, coffee, who drove you?

Me: You did, Coach.

3.You can’t just go on the streets and buy speed.

4. You missed practice to go to the Eagles Game? I don’t see any Eagles skipping practice to come see you swim.

5. That’s almost non-movement.

6. Why do you ask questions?

7. What we do in training is so much harder than other teams, unless they are training just as hard.

8. Olympic Training Center in Codorado.

9. If everyone got in your car and drove to the meet, would we all get there?

10. There is nothing difficult about swimming, you dive in, swim as fast as you can, get out and drink some water, simple.

11. The best things in life come from me, and hard work.

12. My dog swims faster and can hold his breath longer, coach you don’t have a dog, well if I did.

13. Is there a reason why?

14. If you put you 2 together and you 2 together we still wouldn’t have 6 minds.

These next two are self-specific, but I can still chuckle:

15. Schwartz, do not start to race in this 1650 until I tell you to, understand? Each 500 will get faster and you may not let it all go until I give you the signal, understand?

Yes, sir.

During the race I see him standing there watching me and talking to another coach, I wait and wait and wait, finally the last 150 I go all out – still waiting for the signal. Best time by 15 seconds!

Walking up after my race – why didn’t you race the last half like you did the last 150?

You said you would tell me when to go.

I did? Why didn’t you say something?

I was kind of swimming

You’re right, kind of swimming until the last 150…

(perplexing look)

16. Remember those days when the heats of the 1500 were swum after the morning prelims, usually fastest to slowest? This one meet decided to swim them slowest to fastest. I, along with 3 other teammates all waited at the hotel, and a parent was supposed to come back and get us at a specific time. I was 13 and my teammates were 15, none of us drove. About an hour before we were supposed to be picked up there was a pounding on my door, let’s go put your suit on in the car, now now now. We get to the pool and the heat before mine is just finishing. I am running to the blocks while I put my cap on. My coach runs up next to me and yells at me for not getting there sooner, and asks what happened? Um, you told us someone would come and pick us up.

Now you decided to listen to me?

I don’t drive yet, coach.

Well, get older already.

17. Girls, you should eat peanuts as a snack, fat free and nutritional.

Coach, have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

No, but they are nutritious. (the elephants or the peanuts?)

18. Did you see that split? It’s as if the rain hit the wind.

19. If your goggles fall off and they fall around your mouth so you can’t breathe, breathe through your mouth.

20. Why are you getting out to go to the bathroom? If you have to go, get out and go.

21. I expect you to do exactly as I say unless I say not to. (If you say not to we shouldn’t listen and do it anyway? Or we should not do it?)

22. If today were tomorrow would yesterday still have happened?

23. Your record is like your 2 front teeth, pretty to look at, but anyone can come along and knock them out.

24. Make sure you stay hydrated during practice. Everyone should bring a water bottle. 10 minutes later – yelling – why is everyone drinking when I am trying to talk?

25. Your technique is no better than a beaver digging for nuts. (Did he say beaver and not squirrel?)